I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
