Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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