I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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