I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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