He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I could fuck to npr.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
