What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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