I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
