3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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