Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
