so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
