used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
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