my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
