She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
