I molested 6 butterflies tonight
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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