Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
