I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
