Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
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