I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Those nachos came to me in a dream
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
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