guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
