you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
