Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
