why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
