I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
