I'm lost and stupid without you.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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