When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
