So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
