i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize