I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
