Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Sober January is a disaster.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
