I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
