And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
