Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
