"it" just moved
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
