Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
