When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
