Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
The beer is more important than you right now.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
