Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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