I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
