you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
