Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
