The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Randomize