I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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