i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
