im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
