How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
