My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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