I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
The cops high fived after they tackled you
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
