wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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