I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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