I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize