I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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