I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize