I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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