Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
