you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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