I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
