i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
