five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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