Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
