So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
