So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
